A Loss

I haven't been a nurse for very long. I will come into contact with so many people I won't remember most of them.

Today I learned that one of my patients passed away. She was 42. It saddens me a great deal this time because I was able to take care of her for a few weeks while in the ICU so I got to know her and her family fairly well. She came in with abdominal pain and unexplained weight loss. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last week and given 3 - 12 months to live. She died yesterday.

I am grateful that I got to know her. She was a feisty, spoiled, and demanding woman. But for some reason it never bothered me. I guess because I thought of myself lying in that bed not knowing what was going to happen to me and realized that I knew nothing of what she was going through. I didn't care how she acted because she was fighting her own demons and fears I couldn't possibly understand her battle.

She came down to see me in the ER last Tuesday while she was in the hospital. She was out and about and wanted to come say "hi". Her friend wheeled her down to see me. She looked awful. She probably weighed all of 85 pounds. But it made me feel good that she thought of me the way she did. I am glad I was her nurse and was able to care for her. And I know I gave her the best possible care I could have.

They say that there will always be a few people in your nursing career that will touch you in some way and that you will always remember the first one that dies. I believe them. I will always think of her. If I met her outside of the hospital in some other capacity, we probably would have never been friends, but she touched me in a way that I can't explain. I knew when I went into this profession that it wouldn't be easy. And its not. But I love it anyway. I will always remember her.